Jokes.. (Read 1,601 times)

[swampy]

An Octopus walks into a bar and says "I can play any musical instrument you like".

An Englishman gives him a guitar, which it plays better than Jimi Hendrix.
An Irishman gives him a piano, which it plays better than Elton John.
A Scotsman throws it a set of bagpipes.The octopus fumbles about for a couple of minutes without a sound from the bagpipes and the Scotsman asks, "What's wrong, can ye no play it"?

The octopus says, "Play It? I'm gonna screw her brains out once I get her pajamas off.

[thewookster]

An Englishman, Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together.

They each bought a pint of Guinness.

Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head.

The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust.

The Scotsman fished the fly out of his beer, and continued drinking it, as if nothing had happened.

The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer, and started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!!

[thewookster]

There was this guy who was 1/2 Irish and 1/2 Scottish.

He wanted a drink but he couldn't bring himself to buy one.



Ok I'll lay off the Irish for a bit ;D

[swampy]

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs.

Three women, from England, Wales, and Scotland, were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.

The English woman said, 'Have you ever had a hug?' The man said, 'No,' so she gave him a hug and walked on.

The Welsh woman said, 'Have you ever had a kiss?' The man said, 'No,' so she gave him a kiss and walked on.

The Scottish woman came to him and said, 'ave ya ever been fooked laddie?' The man broke into a big smile and said, ‘no’.

She said, 'Aye - Ye will be when the tide comes in.'

[swampy]

3 Irish men in a pub. Paddy says "my locals better than this, buy 2 drinks and the 3rd is free." Mick says "well in my local you buy 1 drink and the 2nd is free."
Murphy says "thats nothing! In my local you buy the 1st drink, then the 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th, 6th and the 7th is free. Then you go out the back and get a shag. "WOW!" says the others
"but has that ever happened to you?"

"No" says Murphy, but it happened to my sister.

[swampy]

A Drunk Clan member was getting a hand job of his new girlfriend and asked "How come you're so good at this?""Years of practice," she giggled. "Bit of a player in your day eh!?" he laughed. "No" she replied "my dad had no arms!"

[Marcer]

A blind man and a deaf man sit on a bench.
Suddenly the blind man stands up and jumps aside.
A huge piece of bird crap lands in his place.
The moral: Blind people see .

I know it's sad, but read another, even worse one:

A hunchbacked guy walks thru the cementery.
Suddenly a ghost jumps out.
Ghost: What do you have?
Hunchback: What the hell? I have nothing sans my hunchback.
Ghost: Give it to me.
Hunchback:
(gives the hunched back to the ghost and walks away in good health)

At home:
Wife: Man, where the hell is your hunched back?
I-am-a-hunchback-no-more: Dig this, I walked through the cementery and all of a sudden this freaky ghost jumps on me, and says...
(relates the entire event)
Wife: Man, that is awesome! Now we can do it doggy style properly!

Later:
I-am-a-hunchback-no-more's wife meets a wife of a guy who's totally blind.
I-am-a-hunchback-no-more's wife: Hey, did you hear what happened to my husband? He walked through a cementery when ghost popped up and asked if he had anything. He said that he had only his hunched back to share, so ghost took it and now my husband is straight as an arrow!
Blind guy's wife: That rules. Man, if only I could make Joe's blindness go away...
I-am-a-hunchback-no-more's wife: No prob. Make him walk thru the same cementery as my husband did, and he should stumble upon that very same ghost. Then, when the ghost asks him whether he has anything, he should say that he's got only his blindness to give away, and presto pronto he's healthy again!
Blind guy's wife: That' something I'm going to try. Wait for an update, myd ear.

And so the blind Joe walks thru the cementery, and unsurprisingly the ghost pops out.
Ghost: Do you have a hunchback?
Blind Joe: No...
Ghost: So have one.

(facepalm)

[thewookster]

[Marcer]

Here's an even WORSE one:

Josh lusted after Linda.

When she finally agreed to go out with
 him, he took her out to dinner and then
 afterwards, drove her five miles out into
 the country, parked, and said
 passionately, "I want you right here, right

now. Do it... or you can walk home!"


Without saying a word, Linda got out of
 the car and walked home.

A month later, after much apologising,
 Linda agreed to go out with Josh again.

This time he drove ten miles out in the
 country, parked, and begged, "Please. I
 must make love to you right now. Do it...
or walk home!" Again, Linda walked
 home.


Two months later, after even more
 apologising and gifts of flowers and
 jewellery, she accepted another invitation.

This time, just to make sure, Josh drove
 fifty miles out of town and gave her the
 same ultimatum. Without a word, Linda
 undressed and gave him the greatest sex
 of his young life. As they were driving
 home, Josh asked, "Why did you walk
 home the first two dates, when you so
 obviously enjoy sex?" Linda answered,

"Well, it's like this: I'll walk five miles or
 even ten miles to save a friend from AIDS,
 but fifty..."

[swampy]

facepalm smiley added for lolzy..   

[jorinde]

I can't decide which of these I find the worst... 

[Marcer]

I know...

I was busy watching dogs do   when all of a sudden I felt an urge to play with my   but I resisted it and started   while my nieghbor was   me from his garden. Then I opened this thread again, to see people   over my   jokes. Then I realized how   they were and that   was more funny than them. I'm terribly   for what I wrote, these jokes are like a  . This is a forum dedicated to   not .

[thewookster]

lololol

[jorinde]

Now that was pretty good and creative.

[swampy]

While out walking one day, a cowboy meets an Indian riding along with a dog and a sheep and begins a conversation.

“Hey, nice dog you got there. Mind if I speak to him?” “Dog no talk,” replies the Indian. Unperturbed, the cowboy continues.

“Hey dog, how’s it going?” he queries. “Doin’ alright,” shrugs the dog, looking up. The Indian looks shocked.

“How does your owner treat you?” he continues. “Real good,” replies the pooch. “He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play.”

The Indian’s jaw drops in disbelief. “Mind if I talk to your horse?” continues the cowboy. “Horse no talk,” states the Native American.

“We’ll see,” says the cowboy. “Hey horse, how’s it going?” “Good,” smiles the nag. “And how does your owner treat you?” “Pretty good,” says the horse. “He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in a shed to protect me.”

“Good, mind if I talk to your sheep?” asks the cowboy. “Sheep liar,” snaps the Indian.